My boss sent me this hi-larious exchange that was printed in our local paper recently. It's not a complete non sequitur—St. Paul is currently hosting the 2007 U.S. Figure Skating Championships.
(I should give credit where it's due. Tonya's photo belongs to Al Bello/Getty Images, and Nancy's photo belongs to Kevin Winter/Getty Images for Frosted Pink.)
6:30 a.m.
Nancy: Awakes with a coo to alarm set to local lite rock station. Puts on robe and slippers while humming "We've Only Just Begun."
Tonya: Clips neighbor's Mazda Protégé with her pickup as she returns from bars singing along to Bad Company's "Feel Like Makin' Love" at the top of her lungs.
6:45 a.m.
Nancy: Decides to "splurge this morning" by adding cottage cheese to her pineapple and cantaloupe.
Tonya: Leans into open refrigerator shouting, "Where the -- is the Famous Dave's that was in here?!"
6:50 a.m.
Nancy: While pouring coffee, knocks over bowl, plopping cottage cheese and fruit all over kitchen floor. With tears in her eyes, shouts, "Why?! ... Why?!"
Tonya: Remembers she ate the rest of her pulled pork sandwich before she went out.
6:55 a.m.
Nancy: Opens door to back yard, asks woodland creatures to help her clean up mess in the kitchen.
Tonya: Nods off on couch with cold french fry in one hand, lit cigarette in the other.
7:30 a.m.
Nancy: Hears the pitter patter of little feet as her two sons and husband come downstairs for breakfast.
Tonya: Snore!
8:00 a.m.
Nancy: Gets the young lads off to school and her husband off to the office.
Tonya: SNORE!
9:00 a.m.
Nancy: Three words: "Regis and Kelly!"
Tonya: Five words: "Why does my couchspin?"
10:05 a.m.
Nancy: The phone rings. It's her husband, and agent, calling with a new job opportunity.
Tonya: Slumber disrupted by visions of encounters with strange, beastly men.
10:06 a.m.
Nancy: Agrees to do 12-week national tour this spring as the star of "Driving Miss Daisy on Ice."
Tonya: Realizes these visions are not nightmares, just flashbacks.
10:37 a.m.
Nancy: Heads over to park for daily one-hour power walk.
Tonya: Heads over to nearby bathroom for daily one-hour visit.
10:38 a.m.
Nancy: Realizes winter is here when the morning chill touches her face.
Tonya: Realizes it's laundry day when she trips over her "Gillooly was here" nightie.
11:40 a.m.
Nancy: Goes online to check out the latest Oprah news.
Tonya: Takes long, introspective look at herself in mirror.
11:45 a.m.
Nancy: Spends half-hour sending more hate mail to 1994 Olympic judges from Poland and the Ukraine.
Tonya: Spends half-hour shaving.
12:15 p.m.
Nancy: Finally responds to desperate e-mail from Oksana Baiul .... promises to send her a few
bucks.Tonya: Finally remembers what day it is. Realizes she's due down at the gym for a few rounds of sparring.
12:30 p.m.
Nancy: Spends a few minutes autographing photographs for her fans.
Tonya: Spends a few minutes mulling the perfect location for her next tattoo.
12:45 p.m.
Nancy: After a quick lunch, heads out to the rink to work on her latest skating routine.
Tonya: Pops open a cold one, then it's on to the gym.
1:05 p.m.
Nancy: Stops off at her local church to drop off clothing that she's donating to the homeless.
Tonya: Stops at auto parts store to get new hubcap to replace one that she broke over her old boyfriend's brow.
1:30 p.m.
Nancy: Starts her daily skate after spending 15 minutes flexing her right knee, which has been giving her trouble since Jan. 6, 1994.
Tonya: Begins workout with about five minutes of light rope jumping, followed by 10 minutes of heavy, breathless panting.
2:55 p.m.
Nancy: Cell phone call from husband with another job offer.
Tonya: Interrupts work on the heavy bag when trainer sarcastically calls her "The Heavy Bag."
2:56 p.m.
Nancy: Angrily reminds husband there's no way she will agree to perform with Bob Saget on "Skating with Celebrities II."
Tonya: Reminds trainer how she once knocked the smirk off Paula Jones' face.
3:25 p.m.
Nancy: Winds up skating practice. Poses for photographs with admiring fans.
Tonya: Completes three rounds of sparring. Claims it's the best she has felt in the ring since she moved up to heavyweight.
3:55 p.m.
Nancy: Arrives home just in time to greet her boys as they get off the school bus.
Tonya: Arrives home just in time to find a repo man waiting in front of her trailer. Spends 15 minutes hiding in bushes until he leaves.
4:15 p.m.
Nancy: Begins preparing her famous meatloaf and green bean casserole for dinner.
Tonya: Gets ready for another night on the town, spending about 10 minutes deciding which tank top to wear.
5:02 p.m.
Nancy: Husband calls to say he's running a little late, as he's working to get Nancy another cameo in "Blades of Glory II."
Tonya: Skids into parking spot at the nearby Applebee's, ready to dig into those 25-cent Happy Hour wings.
5:30 p.m.
Nancy: Asks husband to lead the family in "Grace" before she serves dinner.
Tonya: Asks neighboring barfly to take his hand off her butt before she gives him a knuckle sandwich.
5:35 p.m.
Nancy: Enjoys dinnertime conversation with her loved ones.
Tonya: Enjoys first of several long games of Quarters.
6:30 p.m.
Nancy: Wheel ... of ... Fortune!
Tonya: Meal ... of ... nachos!
7:07 p.m.
Nancy: Snuggles with children as she reads them a few chapters of Harry Potter.
Tonya: Snuggles with college-age drifter in a corner booth while telling him women's prison anecdotes.
8:00 p.m.
Nancy: Settles down for some quiet TV time with her husband, Jerry.
Tonya: Settles down for some quiet time with her pal, Jagermeister.
After 8:30 p.m.
Nancy: It's time to hit the hay.
Tonya: It's all a haze.
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