Here is the last word on Vegas. I didn’t love it so much. It’s built on artifice, and I’ve never found artifice to be very appealing, especially when my vacation time is limited and valuable. Whenever a traveling companion said, “Isn’t the Venetian so cool? Look at the gondolas on the canal—it’s just like you’re really in Venice.” I refrained from vocalizing, but inside I was screaming—IT’S NOTHING LIKE VENICE. Neither does New York, New York, with its faux Statue of Liberty and miniature skyline, make me feel like I’m in New York City. Nor does the mini Eiffel Tower of Paris Las Vegas, make me feel like I’m in Paris, France. The smells and sounds and grime of centuries are missing from these hotels. Inauthentic is the only word that comes to mind. Pictured below, the Forum Shops at Caesar's Palace, which is, I'll admit, the nicest mall I've ever seen. I love the curved escalator.
Now, the kitsch factor of the Rat Pack’s Las Vegas—you know, the neon-lit Vegas that was obliterated in favor of the newer, sanitized, family-friendly, Disneyesque Las Vegas—that’s authentic.
cheap vacation
For so long, I had heard that it was a cheap (as in inexpensive) vacation, which may have been true at one time. At a time when gas prices are at record highs and climbing, the only “cheap” vacation is the one you take in your backyard. Unless I was willing to start my trip by departing MSP at 6 a.m. and end my trip by returning from LV at midnight, I was unable to find a flight under $600. Two years ago, I flew to Paris and paid only slightly more than $600—in August.
hotel
We stayed on The Strip at The Mirage, self described as such:
The Mirage is in the heart of Las Vegas and is a palace of delights, where South Seas vibe meets Strip excitement. Where soft, sunlit days give way to torrid nights. Where you are invited to experience The Mirage - REMIXED.What terrible marketing. There's no South Seas vibe. The hotel is conveniently located on The Strip and is within walking distance of much, which is a plus. Torrid nights? Well, maybe not for me (I left hubby at home), but I know that some young singles, who were taking laps around the casino at 2 a.m., were going to get lucky. REMIXED? Not sure at all what this means.
The room I stayed in was clean, comfortable, and large, which was necessary since I was sharing it with a friend. Our hotel room was not expensive (approx. $135 on the weeknights and $175 on each weekend night), but it was also not cheap (which, in my experience, is under $100). I'd stay here again, but I also crave a little more luxury, especially if I'm in the position for a "torrid" night.
food
Generally speaking, food is plentiful in Las Vegas. Any food craving can be satisfied at any time of day—or so it seems. Vegas has often been described to me as a foodie town. The restaurant scene on The Strip seems to consist of the outposts of celebrity chefs’ NYC, LA, or Chicago flagship restaurants, so if you’ve ever wanted to eat at a Wolfgang Puck restaurant, you’re in luck because there are many to choose from.
Food was not inexpensive. I concede that restaurants will deliver a plate loaded with massive amounts of food. For example, the sandwiches at the Carnegie Deli (one of many restaurants in The Mirage) must have contained a ten-inch stack of deli meats. Of course, you can participate in a quintessential Vegas experience: the buffet. The buffet at Cravings, the Mirage’s all-you-can-eat extravaganza, costs $35, which included beverages (e.g., coffee, juice, mimosas, and bloody Marys). Aren't there supposed to be $6.99 buffets in Vegas? I think it probably goes without saying that the quality, and often the safety, of the food on a buffet is questionable. I steered clear of the sushi, even though it was on ice. Also, the eggs Benedict with hollandaise sitting under heat lamps made my skin crawl. Pictured above: a fuzzy sampling of the Craving's Asian section.
On our final night, we had dinner in an upscale restaurant (FIX at The Bellagio) with a celebrity chef (Todd English). The lighting was dim and the ambiance was not dissimilar from a mall restaurant, but the biggest outrage was starters/small plates that were, on average, $20. Entrees were $40 on average. I have really high expectations when entrees are $40, and FIX didn’t even come close.
drinks
In bars and restaurants, cocktails cost about the same price as in MSP—$9-10 for a drink consisting of a shot of something and a mixer, such as a gin and tonic. A large pina colada or margarita from the poolside Dolphin Bar will set you back $18. No lie, $18. The drink is massive, at least 40 oz., and it really is what you want poolside because, even though you can’t see it, Las Vegas is in the desert. Yes, you get free drinks in casinos, if you’re gambling. As you can well imagine, the drinks are super-watered down. Best practice: order your scotch or bourbon up.
casino/gambling
Disclaimer: I only saw the casinos at The Mirage and the Bellagio, but I’m going to assume they’re representative so I can make sweeping generalizations. For my money, all casinos look alike. At least, they all seem to have the same video slots and poker machines. The Mirage was dark and smoky (pictured at beginning of entry) and had l-o-w ceilings. The Bellagio was bright, with enough fluorescent lighting to power a small town, and smoky. The smoke made me very nauseous, which must be karmic retribution of some sort, I'm sure. Both casinos were plunked down right in the middle of each hotel—you had to walk through the casinos to get your destination. I know hotels are intentional in their layout—a point not lost on me. Hotels/casinos don’t want you to miss any opportunity to put your money in a machine. My issue is that there’s no exclusivity to the casinos. Okay, I know we’re not in Monte Carlo, but sheesh, the casinos were no different to me than the casino holiday party my former company hosted last year in our office. The off-track betting rooms were another story. They typically have three walls, one of which is loaded, floor to ceiling, with huge screens showing horse races. Awesome.
It almost sounds puritanical to say I don't gamble. So be it. I wasn't willing to put down the stakes necessary to play Blackjack at a table ($5 is typically the minimum bet). So I tried my hand at video Blackjack, and I'm stunned that people would go all the way to Las Vegas to play a video game. Did you know that the slot machines are all computerized? The levers are merely decorative.
shows
Shows are another key element in the Vegas experience. The possibilities for entertainment are vast. Cirque du Soleil has established its headquarters here, offering five different shows (O, Zumanity, Ka, Mystere, and Love, an homage to The Beatles). You can catch a music concert—Elton John, Cher, and Rush were all in making appearances on the weekend I was visiting. Magicians (e.g., Penn and Teller), stand-up comedy, and burlesque (e.g., Thunder Down Under, Chippendales, Playboy) have a rich tradition among the pantheon of shows. You can also see sporting events (boxing) or watch poker competitions.
Since I would rather slit my wrists than pay to see Elton John or Cher perform, or, quite frankly, to have a strange man rub his crotch in my face, I voted for comedy. Brad Garrett (of Everybody Loves Raymond fame) was performing at The Mirage, so catching his show seemed a natural. His humor was foul, attacking fat people, women, sexual preferences, anyone who isn’t a flag-waving patriot, fat people, and Arabs alike (and I know I’m leaving many groups out, sorry, did I mention fat people?). Lewis Black and Dennis Miller and Denis Leary are each so freaking funny I nearly pee myself laughing. None of them resort to picking on marginalized people. I hate myself for laughing at Brad Garrett, well, except for when he made fun of himself and his small dick.
favorite parts of Vegas
I was mesmerized by the sound of all the machines in the casino. Not the dinging and pinging sounds that indicated a win or a loss, but the indescribable hum of all the machines, plugged in and emitting this otherworldly noise. Sort of like a harmonic convergence. I liked that noise.
I really liked lying on a lounge chair by the pool. To me, lying in the sun is about the most decadent thing you can do. Once a decade, I’m willing to risk skin cancer by basting myself in suntan oil (i.e, not sunblock, SPF 25 and up), flipping on occasion to even things out. The pool at The Mirage put me in mind of an adult spring break, with the tunes blaring on loud speakers, the parade of swimsuit-clad hotties (male and female), the alcoholic beverages, the parade of swimsuit-clad hotties leaning drunkenly on a friend, and so on. I didn't love that aspect—the obvious effects of massive alcohol consumption, in the sun—so much, but the pool also boasts a fair representation of humanity: the fat and the svelte, the young and the old, the beautiful and the ugly—all are there, basking in the sun and cooling off in the water. Best practice: Spend more time poolside than you think you could possibly stand.
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